Hanamichi Report

["Jeffrey Anderson" <jeffand@regent.edu>]

Ross Mihara!  Here's Riyo Ohta with a hanamichi report. This one's with
Gaijingai.

Riyo: Gaijingai, quite a basho/jungyo, ne?

Gaijingai: Hai, so desu.

Riyo: Your jungyo started off quite nicely with going on asageiko with
Babanoshuzan, Meiki, and your son Soksnshuzan.  How was it?

Gaijingai:  Remember that movie "10?"

Riyo: Hai.

Gaijingai: Well, Baba is an 11!

Riyo: I understand you attended Day 14 of the basho.  What were your
impressions?

Gaijingai: I was very impressed when, after the rikishi circled up during
the west makuuchi dohyo iri, they all turned to look up at the C section,
pointed at me, and yelled in unison, "You da man, Gaijingai!  You da man!"

Riyo: So desuka?  They really all spoke English?

Gaijingai: Well, no...they yelled it in Japanese.  "Bakana gaijin desu!
Bakana gaijin!"  But hey, I know my Japanese and got the translation
correct.

Riyo: Anooooooo....What was your impression of the Musoyama/Takanohana
battle?

Gaijingai: It was the greatest battle I've ever seen in all my years of sumo
viewing.  When Taka hit the clay and thus was denied a shot at zensho yusho,
I got so excited that I joined the others and threw my zabuton!

Riyo:  Er - Gaijingai, you weren't sitting on a zabuton.  You were sitting
on a chair.

Gaijingai: Oops!

Riyo: That old lady sure was a bleeder, ne?

Gaijingai: Moving right along...

Riyo: Then it was on to China and dinner with Boltono.  Where did you and
Bolty agree to meet in such big city?

Gaijingai: Where else?  At a Starbucks cafe.

Riyo: You and your coffee!  How did you recognize Bolty boy?

Gaijingai: From the glow emanating from down the hall.

Riyo: Now Gaijingai, I know that Boltono is a handsome rake, but glowing?

Gaijingai: Oh no, the glow was coming from his gorgeous wife, Yasmin.  As I
told Bolty at dinner, I didn't think God could make a Chinese so beautiful.

Riyo: Was it a good dinner?

Gaijingai: Other than being served sea cucumber, pig's feet, and duck
brains - which I had eaten the previous few nights - Bolty's meal was
delicious.

Riyo:  How was Boltono?

Gaijingai: Get a glass of wine in him and the party begins!

Riyo: So desuka?  A real party animal, ne?

Gaijingai: I'll say!  Bolty broke 5 balloons and 3 windows!

Riyo: So desuka?

Gaijingai: As well as the hearts of 4 waitresses.

Riyo:  So he does look like Tom Cruise!

Gaijingai: No...I had just presented him with a babe magnet Virginia Beach
T-shirt.  The waitresses were all over him like flies to garbage.

Riyo: Er - that's not the best analogy, Gaijingai.

Gaijingai: OK - like rikishi to Babanoshuzan.

Riyo: Then on to Mongolia.  How was it.

Gaijingai: Mongolia is the Switzerland of the Far East!

Riyo: How about Ulaanbaatar?

Gaijingai:  The armpit of the Far East.  The whole infrastructure of the
country has collapsed.  Our hotel was a Babanoshuzan Bhutanese special.  Our
first night we stayed at the Un Druul Hotel.  I called it the Un Drivel.
Our room had no lights.  After 2 men worked on them for 45 minutes we were
given another room.  Then we found out there was no hot water on Wednesdays
and that it would be turned on the next day at 11:00AM and turned off a few
hours later.  Who knows about Friday?  Then the complimentary breakfast was
a cookie and fried egg sandwich.  All this for $70/night.  We changed
hotels.

Riyo: Anything exciting happen there?

Gaijingai: Yes, Uncle Kiyoshi was there at the same time.

Riyo: You mean the guy with the tattoo and missing little fingertip who
hangs out in the alley in back of the pachinko parlor?

Gaijingai:  That's the guy.  Turns out he found a long lost relative in
Mongolia who will make his debut in the July Bench Sumo game.

Riyo:  Who is this man?

Gaijingai:  That Mongolian mauler, Pushyafeisin.  He's right here.  Would
you like to meet him?

Riyo: Why yes, I would.  What a strange name.  How did you get that name
Pushyafeisin?

WHACK!

Riyo: Bag do oo, Loss!

Best regards,
Jeffrey Anderson
Gaijingai - Foreign Ghetto

For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these:
It might have been. - John Greenleaf Whittier